Uncategorized – Page 2 – Grieving Mama

Missed Milestones

Today would have been Micah’s 16th birthday. He should be eating birthday cake, opening gifts, and thinking about getting his driver’s license. We should be celebrating a milestone birthday with him but instead, we’re planning how to honor his memory on his birthday; looking for ways to help us deal with the fact that he’s not here.

When we were celebrating his birthday last year, we never imagined that it would be his last. Even though he was in the throws of chemo treatments, we thought it was just a hurdle that we needed to jump in order to cure his cancer. We believed there would be more birthdays and more milestones to be celebrated.

Despite what was going on in his life, Micah had a pretty decent birthday last year. That was one of the few weeks that he actually felt well enough to attend school which was a good thing because, on his birthday, many staff and students showed up wearing their ‘Team Micah’ shirts. I still remember how touched he was by that gesture. Although Micah was never the kind of person that wanted to be the center of attention, he was basking in the glow of the love and support that he felt that day.

Today we will be remembering Micah and shedding some tears as we reminisce about birthdays in the past and grieve not only the loss of him but the loss of the hopes and dreams we had for his future. We’ll share some of our favorite memories of him, holding on to the things that made him special to us. But, along with the tears, I’m hoping we’ll have some moments of joy and laughter as we think of him too. His sense of humor and loving spirit will never be forgotten. Amidst the tears and laughter that this day will bring, I’m also guessing there will be a little Mt. Dew sprinkled in. Micah would have wanted it that way.

Signs of Love

When Micah was sick and receiving chemo, the medical staff offered him a wide variety of options to try to help with his nausea, including essential oils. He usually declined, however, in the last week or two of his life, they tried lavender and, for a short period of time, he just couldn’t get enough of it. We would put some on a washcloth and he would hold it right by his nose and breathe in deeply. For some reason, that seemed to help him in his final days. At one point, when he had a high fever, they even added it to a basin of cool water so when we put cool washcloths on him, the scent would be there too. I began to love the smell of lavender because it reminded me of Micah.

A little over a month after Micah died, I was shopping with my cousin in a cute little shop when I saw this bar of lavender soap. My mind immediately went to Micah and the memories of his time in the hospital. I bought it on the spot, knowing it would be a little reminder of him. Every time I used it, the scent took me back to Micah and his last days and actually, in a strange way, provided a little comfort.

One day, after being gone all day for a college visit with Annika, we came home and this is what I saw on the bar of soap. I clearly saw a heart, which I like to think was a sign from Micah. I know that not everyone believes in “signs” but to me, it was a sign of Micah’s love for us. A sign that he was ok. That he was still with us in spirit. Love knows no boundaries.

The Power of Love

“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

Love is a powerful thing. It makes you want to do everything in your power to protect your loved ones from harm. It gives you the endurance to stay up all night with a sick child. It gives you patience and strength to meet the needs of those you love when they are sick or in pain. It gives you hope to keep on fighting even when things look bleak.

Unfortunately, love cannot heal all wounds. It cannot cure cancer. It cannot stop death. But death also cannot stop love, for love perseveres. Even when someone you love is being destroyed from the inside out, love endures. Love can live on in your heart even when the one you love is no longer here because love has the power to last forever.

“Grief is love with no place to go.”

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is never easy, especially when you’re saying it to someone you love for the very last time. Because Micah’s health deteriorated so quickly at the end, he didn’t get the chance to tell many people goodbye. Instead of having months to say his final farewells to family and friends, Micah ended up only having days and even then, I don’t know if he realized how little time he really had.

By the time we were able to tell Micah that there wasn’t anything else the doctors could do to treat his cancer and that he wasn’t going to get better, he only had a couple of “good” days left. Once Micah realized that his time was limited, one of the first things he wanted was to see his sister, Annika. Knowing that she was on her Europe trip, he asked how long she had been there and when she was supposed to return. Because he really wanted to see her but felt bad about her needing to come home early from her trip, he graciously said, “I’ll give her three more days and then she needs to come home.” It was almost like he knew how much time he had left because by the third day, it was really his last decent day. Luckily, she was home within two days and they were able to spend a little quality time together.

At one point, Micah told me that he wanted to see his friends. Unfortunately he didn’t get that chance because by the time it would have been possible, he was in so much pain and the pain meds that he was on made him so confused and tired that he spent most of his time sleeping and he wasn’t up for visitors. I know that Micah cherished his friends and would have loved to be able to see them one more time and tell them goodbye. Micah was blessed with great friends and I know he was so grateful for them.

Sometimes I feel like Micah was robbed of the opportunity to say many goodbyes but at least we were able to be with him during his final days and moments. When I think of people who lose loved ones unexpectedly and don’t get the opportunity for that last farewell, I feel so grateful for the little time we were given.

As we say goodbye to 2018 and welcome a new year, it is with mixed feelings. Although last year was a difficult one for our family filled with hospital stays and trips for treatment, we were blessed with time with Micah. I’ll never feel like I had enough time with him but I will forever be grateful for the 15 years that we did have. We’re hoping for a better year in 2019 filled with hope, healing and many good memories of our time with Micah.

HOPE

Hope is an interesting thing. When you have it, it gives you the strength to go on, something to look forward to. When it’s gone, you can’t see beyond today. From that very first day, before Micah was even offically diagnosed with cancer, most of the medical staff that he encountered would ask him about his future plans. In addition to general questions about himself, they almost always asked him what he wanted to be “when he grew up”. I realized that, in asking this question, they were likely trying to plant the seed of hope in Micah. If he could envision a future for himself, maybe it would give him what he needed to fight and “win” his battle with cancer.

Although Micah’s response would fluctuate from time to time, his answer to this question would usually indicate his desire to be a math teacher. He always enjoyed math and felt that it was a strength of his. It also meant he would be able to have a job that would allow him to have his summers off so he could spend more time at the family cabin, which was his main priority. Whatever his answer was; math teacher, electrician, or engineer, he always had an answer to the question, until the day he found out that his cancer had spread. The next time he was asked that question, his response broke my heart and made me realize that he was losing hope. When he responded with, “I don’t know, that’s too far away to think about”, I knew he was wondering if he would ever get to that point.

After reading about the type of cancer that Micah had, even after being warned by several staff not to Google it, we knew the odds were against him, especially since his cancer was stage IV. In spite of this, we really thought that he would beat it and eventually be okay. By the end, though, things kept going from bad to worse. Any glimmer of hope that we had, would be drowned out with more bad news. By the last week, we knew that there was no hope of a cure. When people would say that they were still praying for a miracle, I knew in my heart that miracle wasn’t going to happen. Our hope in healing for him had been crushed.

Now, we have turned to a different kind of hope, the hope we have in our faith. The hope of eternal life in heaven. We believe that Micah is in the presence of God, celebrating his first Christmas in heaven with friends and family who have gone on before him. We received a gift from one of Micah’s friends today. It was a poem called I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this Year and it’s a beautiful vision of what we hope Micah is experiencing. We pray that you are able to hang on to hope in whatever circumstances you are experiencing.

The Endless Journey

Thank you for joining me on this journey of grief, healing, and hope. For accompanying me in the search for light in the darkness as I’m learning how to survive the loss of my child.

This wasn’t a journey that I was prepared for or even wanted to be on for that matter. The road was rough, with curves and detours along the way and it lead me to a destination from which I can never return. I began the journey with my son but I lost him along the way. Cancer was the vehicle. Death was our passenger. I now realize that my journey is not over, nor will it ever be. I’m learning that the road of grief is unending. The scenery may change along with my emotions but there is no final destination in sight. I will be on this journey until the day I die.