So many times, I have heard people talk of God’s goodness when good things happen; a loved one’s cancer is in remission, prayers for healing are answered, and life in general is going well. If that is true, what does it mean when the opposite happens; when our prayers for healing aren’t answered, when someone we love dies, when we are in the depths of grief and despair? If we give God credit for the good things that happen to us, does that mean that God is to be blamed when things don’t go the way we think they should? When I think of Micah and how cancer destroyed his body, it’s hard for me to comprehend God as being “good” in the way we often think of God’s goodness.
I have heard the saying, “God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good,” so many times throughout my life but I’d never given much thought to what that really meant until just recently. One Sunday, not long after Micah died, I was sitting in church and heard the pastor use that saying in his sermon. As I let those words sink in, I could feel my anger and bitterness growing. If God was good, why did Micah get cancer and suffer? Why did God let Micah die when he was so young? If God was really as good as we say, how could this tragic thing have happened?
As I’ve struggled with these thoughts, I’ve come to realize that this way of thinking isn’t what is meant by that saying. When we hear that God is good all the time, it doesn’t mean that we will only experience blessings in our lives, that we will be spared from any pain or heartache. In fact, in the Bible we are promised that we will have trouble in this life (John 16:33). Being a Christian doesn’t mean that we will have a pain free life but it does mean that God will be with us during those times when the pain is so intense that we wonder how we can go on. Now, when I hear, “God is good all the time”, I try to remind myself that what it really means is that God is with us and is here for us, in any and all circumstances. God is there to celebrate in our joys and victories but God is also with us to support and comfort us when we are experiencing the valleys and low times in our lives.
This past weekend, we celebrated with our niece as she was confirmed. She was very close to Micah and I know that his death has affected her and caused her to question her faith and trust in God. In her faith statement, she so eloquently shared her struggle with faith, doubt and trusting in God through the difficult times in life. I was so moved by her brutal honesty and could relate to so many of the things she shared but her words that struck me the most were the following: “Even when life gets unbearable, and you’re tired of always picking yourself up off the ground, you allow yourself to get closer to God and to take comfort from your relationship. God isn’t there to take away the hurt, God’s there to help you through it.”
In my grief, there have been times when I haven’t been able to feel God’s presence, when I have blamed and felt abandoned by God but I know in my heart that God has been there the whole time. God shows up in the people that have been placed in our lives, in the words and deeds of others, in the little things that bring us comfort. After Micah’s death, a friend of ours told us that God is grieving with us. I had never considered that perspective before but it gave me some comfort and a new way of seeing God’s understanding of what we are experiencing. God sees our pain and knows the heartache of losing a child. Even when we can’t feel it, God is there, ready to provide the comfort and peace for which we are so desperately searching.
Grieving Mama 