Micah was quite the trooper when it came to enduring everything he went through during his cancer treatments. He was so patient and polite with the nurses and doctors and rarely complained throughout all of the times when he was poked and prodded in order for labs to be run, to be prepped for chemo and to undergo other routine tests. He knew that’s what he needed to do to fight his cancer, so he did it.
The last week of June, two years ago, he was scheduled for yet another week of daily chemo treatments. He’d made it through the first few days but on Wednesday he confided in me that he was so tired of his chemo treatments and just wanted to be done. My heart was breaking for him as I knew his treatments were scheduled to continue until October. I remember going through his chemo schedule with him, trying to break it down into smaller chunks: only four more Monday chemo treatments, three more overnight stays, and two more weeks of daily chemo treatments. I was hopeful that looking at it that way might make it a little easier to swallow as opposed to knowing that he still had over three months of chemo remaining.
Ironically, the very next day we were told that, despite all of the chemo and radiation he had received, his cancer had spread, invading other organs and areas in his abdominal cavity. The oncology team recommended that he finish his next two days of chemo for this five day cycle but after that, he would need a break to let his body heal and prepare for the possibility of a last resort surgery. Even after his surgery at Rochester a few weeks later, the team talked about the possibility of a new type of chemo they would like to try with him that would hopefully give him the chance to enjoy one final summer. Even that didn’t come to fruition as his body never recovered enough from his surgery to make that possible. Micah’s wish for the end of chemo was granted, but not in the way that any of us wanted.
Sometimes I think about life and the things we wish were different. Wishing for something we don’t have or wishing for the end of something that isn’t working for us. We think we know what’s best for us and what would make our lives better. Sometimes, though, the granting of our wishes backfires, leaving us with a wish come true but in another situation that is less than desirable. Micah’s wish for the end of chemo was granted; however, I know he wanted more of this life before leaving for the next. He had plans for his life, things he wanted to do before he died.
Today I read a post on Facebook that struck me. It said, “Whether I live or whether I die, I am the Lord’s. Ultimately, it’s all good.” With the assumption that there is life after death, and I have to believe there is, Micah is enjoying a good life, actually a life that is better than “good”. Although I wish he were still here, living life with us, I take some comfort in believing that he is living the best life possible now. A life where there is no pain, no sorrow, no cancer and certainly no need for chemo.
Grieving Mama 