Every once in a while as I’m listening to music, one of the songs from Micah’s playlist will come on, bringing back memories of him. Recently, the song “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” from the movie The Breakfast Club began to play. I can’t remember if Micah actually saw that movie before he died or if he knew the song from when it was referenced in the movie Pitch Perfect. Either way, it made me think about the little ways that some of Micah’s friends and family have shown that they have not forgotten about him. When people share these things with me, it makes me feel so good to know that even though he hasn’t been here physically for over two and a half years, he continues to hold a place in people’s thoughts and hearts.
One of Micah’s friends left a painted rock at the cemetery by his gravestone when he stopped by to visit his grave. Another remembered him by wearing his #Team Micah – Fishing for a Cure wristband for his senior pictures as a way to include him. A couple of others wore their wristbands to prom; taking Micah with them since he didn’t have the opportunity to attend prom in his lifetime. His cousin made a point of including a picture of Micah in his photo display at his graduation party so Micah could be there too, like he would have been if he was still here. One of his aunts sends us a picture via text on the 3rd of every month, remembering the anniversary of the date he died. It’s often a picture of his name spelled out in something she has created somewhere in nature or with one of his favorite foods. Every once in a while, I catch a glimpse of a Team Micah t-shirt or hear from parents of Micah’s friends, sharing a conversation, story or memory of Micah that their son or daughter has shared with them. We also recently learned that there will be a memorial page for Micah in the yearbook this year as this would have been his senior year. These are just a few of the things that people have done that remind us that Micah has not been forgotten.
Before I found myself in the role of bereaved parent, I didn’t know how much it meant for people to share memories and photos of someone who had passed away; to be able to talk about them freely without worrying about making the other person uncomfortable. When someone new in our lives learns of our loss, there is frequently that moment when they don’t quite know what to say. Often, there’s the initial “I’m so sorry” which is followed by an awkward silence before one of us can change the topic to something less uncomfortable than death. As much as I like to talk about Micah and share memories of him, I know that it can sometimes be hard for others to know how to respond.
One of the most memorable interactions I had was with someone who I hadn’t seen since I was pregnant with Annika and who didn’t know our story. As we were chatting, she asked what should have been an innocent question, “How old are your children?” It was easy to share about Annika, telling her age and how she was now in college. However, when it came time to tell about Micah, I felt uneasy as I began to share that he had died from cancer at the age of fifteen. Instead of the expected response, however, she asked me to share one of my favorite memories of him. That simple request gave me the freedom to share a fun memory of him, turning what could have been an uncomfortable moment into a time of sharing and reminiscing. I was so grateful for that opportunity and made a mental note to try to remember that for times when I’m in a similar situation with others.
When it comes to being able to talk about Micah and share stories of him, I imagine how difficult this has been for Annika as she transitioned from being home with all of her friends who had been with her through Micah’s illness and death, to starting a new life at college. She has made some great friends at Wartburg but none of them knew Micah and initially, only her roommate knew that she had lost her brother. After all, how do you even start that conversation with someone new, “Oh, by the way, did I tell you my brother died?” By now, most of her college friends now know about Micah’s death and she is able to talk to them about it, but they don’t have memories of him like her high school friends do. Although they never met Micah, they are getting to know what he was like as Annika shares stories about him. One of her friends in particular has become very invested in Micah’s story and wants to know more. She’s always extremely happy when Annika shares memories of Micah and it’s been good for Annika to be able to have someone close to her that she can talk to about him.
Through the loss of Micah, I have learned how important it is to be able to talk about the people in our lives that we have lost along the way. Telling stories of Micah has not only been healing for us but also gives those who have never met him a little glimpse of who he was. I hope that someday we’ll all be able to talk freely about those we have lost; sharing stories of them with others so that they can continue to live on through our memories; so they can be remembered and never forgotten.
Grieving Mama 