The Last Time

I woke up this morning with a bittersweet reminder from Facebook of our last outing as a family of four, one year ago today. Not only was this our last family event that we attended together, it was also Micah’s last day out in the world. Just hours after leaving the show, we took him to the Emergency Department at Children’s Hospital in Minneapolis for the last time. Besides leaving the hospital the next day to be transferred to Mayo Clinic & Hospitals in Rochester, he would never again leave the hospital before he passed away just a few short weeks later.

This was supposed to have been the beginning of a week long family vacation at the cabin where we would spend time together before Micah’s big surgery that was his last hope for a possible cure. We had our bags packed and were ready to head to the Cities for a day with family, a trip to the Guthrie Theater for West Side Story and then off to the cabin the next day after spending the night with family in town.

When I went to wake Micah that morning, I could tell that he wasn’t feeling well. After going into his room a couple of times to encourage him to get out of bed, he asked me if I could snuggle with him for a little bit before he got up. Even though we were already running behind schedule, I couldn’t say no to his request. As the mother of a 15 year old boy, I knew that this was a rare occurrence and I’m so glad I took that opportunity. If you had told me then that I would never again snuggle with my son in our home or that this would be the last time he would sleep in his own bed, I wouldn’t have believed it. I didn’t know then how drastically our lives were going to be changing in such a short amount of time. I never would have believed that cancer would destroy his body so quickly along with his chance of returning home for even one last day.

The crazy thing about “lasts” is that you rarely know that it will be your “last time” until it’s over, until the next time never comes. As I look back to that last “good day” that Micah had, I’m so grateful that I took the time to snuggle with him. I can’t tell you how many times I have looked back at that day and wondered how much regret I would have felt if I had missed that opportunity; if I had let our schedule, rather than my heart, dictate my decision that morning.

I sometimes wonder if I would have done things differently if I’d known that Micah’s life would be cut so short. Would I have tried to make each moment a little more special? Would I have snuggled a little longer, taken more videos and pictures, or spent my time differently had I known that he would be cheated out of so much of his life? I have feelings of regret when I think back to time that feels like it was wasted but I am also so grateful for those moments that I treasure; when we took the extra time and effort to make memories and saying “yes” to the little things to which I could have so easily said, “Not now, maybe later.”

Losing Micah has opened my eyes to the need to live life to the fullest, to take time to spend with those we love and to prioritize people over things because, unfortunately, we rarely know when it will be our last chance to give our loved ones a hug or kiss, say our last “I love you” or say our final “goodbye” until it’s too late.